Friday, March 19, 2010

Wolf Battles Common Sense: The Quest for Electricity

Most are probably aware of the debate over the specific qualities that transform a house into a home. Though banal in nature it is nearly universal in remedial academic experience. Often formulated as a freshman English essay prompt or a conversation starter in foreign language courses, this topic is designed to get people thinking in a way that is neither especially provocative or insightful. Like the age old dilemmas of dogs vs. cats or brothers vs. sisters, it is a simply a pedagogical device that most people quickly forget.

For whatever reason, however, it is a topic the Wolf has taken much interest in. Maybe it's because he just happened to be paying attention in English class on the day it came up. Maybe it was one of the few assignments that afforded him a passing grade. The root of his interest is unknown. But what is known is that the Lobo has devoted much of his adult life to divining some sort of universal truth from the heart of this quandary.

And to be certain, after a lifetime of meditation his views on the subject are better developed than even the brightest pubescent or most clever linguist might imagine. For the Wolf has transcended the typically inane conclusions that homes be filled with things like family or love. He scoffs at the idea that a house can be transformed into a home simply by the presence of a few intangibles. That is sophist mumbo jumbo. What the Lobo has discovered is that a home requires four very tangible things: an abundance of marble tiling, a conspicuously large flat screen television, industrial stainless steel kitchen appliances, and extremely dim lighting.

All the Trappings of a Happy Home

Now traditionalists may hesitate at this conclusion. They might see little value in a house filled with nothing but inanimate objects. For his part the Wolf would mock them as bourgeois sentimentalists. What do they know about modern life? Do they expect familial love to stylishly cool his cranberry juice? Do they think a sense of place can entertain him more efficiently than the History Channel?

Where individual readers might fall in this debate varies widely. It is probably safe to assume though that most don't give it a whole lot of thought. This is natural. They probably see these types of questions for what they are. Nothing more than educational tools to develop faculties for cogent thought and logical thinking.

Unfortunately for the Lobo, this connection has eluded him. Instead silly questions take precedent over cogent thought. The ability to approach situations logically has been replaced by a deep preoccupation with irrelevant details.

And thus we find a man in the jungles of Mexico profoundly certain that his home must contain a very specific set of modern comforts, yet without the electricity to power them.

Make no mistake, the electrical draw of the marble tiling and dim lighting is negligible. Here he was quite reasonable in his calculations. It's the television and host of stainless steel appliances that really consume more electricity than he can provide with his solar system.

Now it would be a mistake to believe that the Wolf was ignorant of the challenges inherent in his plan before he built the house. Every qualified solar technician in the United States warned him that it was absolute folly to plug a flat screen television and electric refrigerator into a solar system. The Lobo listened to this advice judiciously, yet ever confident in his own abilities proceeded undeterred.

Even With all This, Microwave Popcorn is out of the Question

The failure of numerous battery banks, a refrigerator, a microwave, two televisions, and countless satellite boxes has finally caused him to rethink his plan. Though he is certain that none of these malfunctions have anything to do with a miscalculation on his part (God is responsible for those), it is also clear that without these appliances his house would cease to be a home. The thought of living without them is not a viable option.

The only solution then is to bring electricity to his property by way of high voltage power lines. Regular readers certainly remember that Dead Burt put an end to this plan years ago. But Dead Burt is dead. The Wolf has danced a jig on his grave and is now ready to proceed. The series of photos below depicts the latest incarnation of the Lobo's nonsensical drive for boundless electricity. Behold the lengths to which a man will push himself for icy salads and Chuck Norris westerns.

The Jungle Bends to Lobo's Will

An Argument Against Freshman English

From House to Home

A Final Pole Erected

Let The Dim Lighting Pour Forth


  1. Based on your companion's description I had a picture in my mind of your house/home. The great photos above are forcing me to paint a totally different picture in my mind. But the Wolf might be playing a trick on his loyal readers. Those pics could be from his mother's home in California. I'll look for clues in the next post.

  2. The Badger's trusted ally did not mislead you about her spartan living conditions. Those photos are from the Wolf's house.