Friday, March 12, 2010

Jobo Battles God: The Television That Couldn't

To many readers the Wolf's battle with God's will is still fresh in the mind (If it is not click here). They might remember how the Almighty has taken a liking to reaching down and smiting the Lobo's household appliances. They probably also remember the derisive nickname (Jobo) bestowed upon the Wolf as a means of mocking the pathos oozing from his calls for pity. They will definitely not be surprised to hear that God has added Lobo's television to this long list of trials and tribulations.

That this would happen comes as no surprise to the Wolf. His television is as central to his lifestyle as cold lettuce or ice in his cranberry juice and thus would of course eventually become the target of divine retribution. Over the years the Lobo has learned that nothing hearkens God's wrath quicker than repeated satisfaction and enjoyment.

Yet surprised or not, these malfunctions still excite a deep ire. For it is understandable that God might decide to smite a single television set, or cause one satellite box to malfunction. But to destroy two brand new televisions, four satellite boxes, and a DVD player in the course of a few years is tantamount to a swarm of locusts or an infernal pestilence descending upon the Lobo's little corner of Mexico. What's next, he might ask in the direction of the heavens, hell fire and brimstone?

None of This Will Work Tomorrow

Not one to sit around and wait for the apocalypse, however, the Wolf has devised various ingenious methods for limiting God's unrestricted access to his primary form of nightly entertainment. Because as the Lobo sees it, while God may rule over heaven and earth from his lofty perch in the firmament, no man is more adept at the mortal arts of subterfuge and deception than he is.

His first line of defense is simply to drape a tea cozy over the television so that it matches the color of his walls. Though simple in nature, this tactic serves to camouflage what would otherwise be an obvious target. For the Lobo knows that God is infinitely busy and thus only really has time for the most cursory forms of surveillance.

Television? What Television?

A Trick Even God Could be Proud Of

And in the event that God comes searching during prime time, the Wolf has enacted a devious contingency plan. In a moment of profound inspiration, he struck upon the idea to place a decoy television in his manservant's quarters. That's right, he placed a television previously smote by God's own hands on the detached premises of Dario's residence.

Make no mistake, this was not an easy sell. Dario is a religious man and he didn't want any of God's anger towards the Lobo spilling over onto himself or his family. He also enjoyed watching television in the evenings and thus understandably wasn't interested in God mistakenly reaching down and causing the wrong appliance to malfunction. Once, however, the Wolf pointed out that he in fact owned the house and could do whatever he wanted, the two men reached an uneasy compromise. The cursed decoy set would sit on Dario's porch. Far away from the Lobo's living room and Dario's television alike.

As Good a Spot as Any

God Will Never Know the Difference

Through this tactic, the Lobo has achieved a modicum of success. He has been able to watch television uninterrupted for more than three months. He has even begun boasting to the Badger that he was able to pull the wool over the eyes of God himself. For his part the Badger simply smiles and nods. He also usually shuffles a few feet away so that there will be no mistake as to who the lightning bolt was sent for.

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