Friday, August 20, 2010

Wolf Battles Common Sense (And Gravity)

We are all familiar with the fact that the Wolf has structured his life as a spectacular paean to all that challenges common sense and reason. Beginning at the very moment he decided to forsake the tranquil serenity of the womb and claw his way into a cold and bracing world, the Lobo set into motion a life that would tarnish everything it touched with a heretofore unseen brand of lunacy.

The motivation behind the decision to live in this manner is unknown to all besides the unseen forces that shape the heavens and earth. Was it genetic mutation? Divine intervention? Something more sinister (Rosemary's Baby)? The world may never know.

And yet at the same time motive is irrelevant. It is a human force important only to county prosecutors and method actors. For there exists outside of elusive motivation, a tangible and concrete record of the Wolf's war against capable, prudent, and thoughtful action. There stretches behind this man an endless wake of ill conceived undertakings and the cruelty, insanity, death and destruction they wrought on the world around them.

For who could forget the Wolf's struggle to build and maintain a sprawling marble mausoleum in the dense Mexican jungle? How could we fail to remember the vicious voodoo feud that felled Dead Burt? What about his proclivities towards automotive insanity?

All of these endeavors serve to document the lunatic history of the Lobo's lifestyle. And yet they have also instilled within the man a deep belief that he has conquered common sense. They serve to announce that he is a man who operates on a plane of existence unfettered by the rules of logic and reason.

There remains, however, one undefeated aspect of the Wolf's complete and utter victory over common sense. This lone insurgent dwells in the unfinished nature of his power project. Sure, he has killed Dead Burt, scared away Dead Burt's daughter, engaged in a vicious campaign of arbolcide, and successfully strung high voltage cable all the way to his home. But he is still without electricity. The Mexican power company has refused to activate the line and have thus left him without the secure knowledge that his refrigerator will have the power needed to cool his cranberry juice. Without the feather of electricity in the Lobo's cap, common sense continues to reign supreme.

And so the Wolf has sown the seeds for the final chapter of his war on logic and reason. He recognizes, however, that to take on the Mexican powers that be is a Herculean endeavor. For this is an organization that (if such a notion is even possible) flaunts common sense in such an aggressive manner as to make the Lobo appear sober and levelheaded. Thus he has decided that if the organs of Mexican bureaucracy will deny him the means to conquer sane thought through the steady flow of an unnecessary electrical line, he will seek an alternative method for demonstrating his mastery of the insane and illogical.

This decision has led him to an appropriately lunatic solution. If the flow of electricity itself cannot serve as the trumpet call of victory, he will use the presence of the lifeless poles and lines themselves to mock all that is prudent and reasonable. And he will do it in a manner that smartly compliments his eye for style and panache.

And thus we find ourselves in the heart of the rainy season with one of the Lobo's many power poles purposefully and consciously erected at an angle that contradicts gravity's hold on the universe as we know it. That's right; he has decided to demonstrate the inefficacy of logic and reason by proving his control over the immovable force of gravity.

Many would view the listing nature of the Wolf's handiwork as the result of a dangerous combination of poorly planned construction and a saturated and shifting jungle soil. The Lobo, however, sees it rather as his final exclamation of victory over the factions of common sense and reason. In fact, so certain is he in his ability to defy such a powerful force of nature that he has fled the hot Mexican sun for the comfortable mountains of the Pacific Northwest. He has divided and conquered.

And yet in departing he has left the crowning jewel of his lunatic power project (and spoil of victory over both common sense and gravity) unattended in the wet and unstable jungle soil. Such a decision, may seem to us to be unwise, ill conceived, or even insane (it does to the Badger). And yet how many among us have devoted our lives to challenging all conventions that allow us to live comfortably, happily, and peaceably? How many among us have sought to slough off the constraints of the natural world, only to be continually confounded by them? How many amongst us believe that God is solely and personally responsible for the malfunction of our household appliances? I believe the answer is clear (the Lobo!).

A Crown Jewel Of Victory Teeters In The Distance

Gravity Strikes A Blow Against Unbridled Insanity

The Leaning Tower of Lunacy

The Badger Quietly Aids The Forces Of Common Sense

Monday, August 9, 2010

Badger Battles Coconut Dwelling Crab

With the Wolf frolicking gaily in the wilderness of the Pacific Northwest, the Badger has largely been left to his own devices. Gone are those heady days of endless plotting and counterplotting. Nearly forgotten is the relentless sense of urgency that accompanies conflict at such close quarters. What remains are the smoldering embers of a feud that once burned so hot and fast within the dense Mexican jungle.

That is not to say the danger of a raging firestorm has passed. The Tejon understands that the only thing preventing the hot coals from transforming themselves into a devastating inferno is the introduction of combustible fuel. And in this case reservoirs of potential kindling are vast.

For though the Lobo has temporarily abandoned his Caligulan compound in search of more comfortable climes, the indelible fingerprint of insanity with which he imbues his surroundings remains. Massive undertakings of marble and electricity have not been abandoned. They simply await the return of their lunatic creator.

It is in the inevitable resumption of these efforts that the Badger finds motivation to remain vigilant in the absence of his adversary. He knows that this all too brief detente will pass, and he has committed himself to ensuring a swift and calculated response to the Wolf's return.

To accomplish this goal, the Tejon has been conditioning his combat reflexes by engaging local wildlife in minor skirmishes. He actively seeks out adversaries that bite or sting or pinch and battles them into submission as a means of honing the skills so crucial in his conflict with the Lobo.

Today we find the Badger face to face with a menacing crab. He encountered the beast while gathering coconut bark for the barbecue, and not a man to simply abandon his meal at the first sight of trouble, the Tejon valiantly forced the crustacean into the shell of a burnt out coconut.

From there he gingerly avoided the crushing force of the extended claw and suavely posed for photos with his incapacitated prey. Hardly a man to induce suffering upon an innocent creature, the Badger later released the prisoner to its natural habitat.

The series of photos below depicts the Tejon as he masterfully poses with his adversary. While the Wolf idles away his time sipping cranberry juice and proselytizing his unique brand of lunacy in the western United States, the Badger remains battle ready in the jungles of Mexico. Could this be the tipping point? Only time will tell.

A Fearsome Encounter

These Claws Take No Prisoners

Hey Lil' Darlin'

Predator And Prey Strike An Accord of Peace

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Wolf Battles The Open Road

It has been recently established that the Wolf is not the type of person who caters to implications that he is in any way "little." He is the Lobo, most certainly not the "Lobito," and when he does things he does them on a scale that leaves no doubt as to the virulent grandiosity of his character.

He doesn't build houses; he builds sprawling mausoleums of marble and stainless steel. He doesn't simply erect power lines; he launches campaigns of destruction that anger myriad government agencies and kill elderly German developers. And when he prepares for his annual sabbatical in the densely wooded mountains of the Pacific Northwest, he doesn't simply purchase a plane ticket and rent a car when he gets there. No, he outfits himself in a style that demands instant respect and attention.

For when one is accustomed to living within the tropical luxury of marble clad insanity, when one expects cold cranberry juice and Walker Texas Ranger, how can one be asked to forsake them when one is away from home? The answer is one cannot. And the simple solution is that one who wants these things brings them on the road.

And so the Wolf has devised a means of transportation that accomplishes these goals, all the while smartly complimenting his lust for conspicuous lunacy and mammoth impracticality. The result is a massive truck/camper combination that pushes at the outer bounds of America's constitutionally tolerant fascination with vehicular absurdity.

The photos below depict the Lobo minutes before his departure for the great green north. It is obvious that even in exiting the field of battle he conducts himself with an eye towards cultivating a sense of intimidating vulgarity. For who could have thought a modified 4x4 Ford F-350 Crew Cab Dually could be dwarfed by anything short of a 747? Who could have thought it necessary on top of all that truck and camper, to attach a steel rack and motorcycle? Who could have thought it prudent to meticulously dye each gray hair in his beard before posing in front of his own automotive Frankenstein with an animal that clearly does not wish to be there. The answer is one man. That man's name is the Lobo.

A Seamless Transition from Marble Mausoleum to Alpha Dog of the Asphalt

The Wolf Den Goes Mobile

A Road Warrior's Ode to Youth in a Bottle
(of Just For Men)