Saturday, February 27, 2010

Jobo Battles God: Death of a Refrigerator

Though it may be hard to believe, the Wolf is a deeply spiritual man. Over the course of his life he has developed a unique and compelling collection of beliefs. At the heart of this theology lies the certainty that God is a bitter and spiteful deity singularly concerned with making his life more difficult than it should be.

Though he is uncertain about exactly what he did to incur God's wrath (the Badger isn't), he believes that this anger manifests itself in the seemingly endless string of electronic and mechanical failures that afflict his household appliances. The Lobo's propensity to bemoan these trials and tribulations has prompted some of his associates (once again, the Badger) to refer to him as Jobo, a reference to the suffering endured by the biblical character Job. It is thus to the Badger's great and profound satisfaction that I introduce the beginning of a series that will document the Wolf's daily struggles with God's will.

The first post of this series will address Lobo's refrigerator. Understand though, that this is no ordinary refrigerator. No, he brought this refrigerator to Mexico from the United States. Not only does it accommodate all of his cooling and freezing needs, but it also smartly compliments the icy sterility of his kitchen's aesthetic. There is not another refrigerator in the whole country that could possibly replace it. And then God decided to punish the Lobo by breaking it.

An Ode to Culinary Magnificence, Rendered Useless

That in itself is not such a pressing matter. The Wolf has long grown accustomed to dealing with God's vengeful hand reaching down and smiting his appliances. He faces these scenarios with a sort of fatalistic acceptance. In the event of a failing object he will simply call his most trusted Mexican mechanic and arrange for a spare to be delivered while the primary unit is being repaired. In especially trying situations he might even smile and shake his fist in the direction of the heavens.

But today there is no smiling. For in this specific instance God seems determined to repeatedly break the refrigerator just when the mechanic believes it is fixed. Three times the Badger has watched smugly as the repaired refrigerator is delivered to Lobo's home. Three times he has seen them return it to its spot in the kitchen and take the spare unit away. And three times he has laughed as the mechanic arrived the next day to pick up the already malfunctioning machine.

Hardly a Worthy Substitute

On this, the refrigerator's fourth trip back to the house, the Lobo has had enough. For it is one thing to rankle the Wolf with petty inconveniences, but it is another to deprive him completely of the ability to cool food in a setting unmarred by the aesthetic incongruence of a spare refrigerator. Remember, this is a man who likes his salads cold and his chocolate milk colder. And perhaps most importantly this is a man sick and tired of swapping an immaculate stainless steel refrigerator for a rusty white one.

God Wants This Bounty to Spoil

Yet Lobo knows that all of this is well removed from his sphere of influence. His relationship with God is not a complicated one. What the Lobo fixeth, the Lord taketh away. Even if the refrigerator works today, there is no certainty that it will tomorrow. He thus can only prepare for the eventuality that it will once again fail him.

But in the meantime there is always hope. There exists the eternal dream that God might one day tire of raining malfunction and misfortune down upon the Lobo. That there will be a day in the future when the Wolf won't be forced to wonder if a crisp head of lettuce or a bowl of ice cream will be his last (Future posts will most likely dash this dream for all but the most optimistic readers). Until that day though, he'll keep the spare fridge running in his gym.

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