Wolf Battles Common Sense Revisited: A Visit From Dead Burt's Daughter

When we last checked in on the Wolf's senseless drive to extend a high voltage power line to his home, he had just danced a quick jig on Dead Burt's grave and was proceeding unabated with his plan. Things were going swimmingly and by his own estimates he was a mere days from consuming electricity with reckless abandon.

Well it shouldn't come as a shock to most that extenuating circumstances have once again impeded the Lobo's forward progress. This time he has been thwarted by the intervention of Dead Burt's daughter.

It seems that Dead Burt's daughter, known locally as Angela, inherited much of her father's teutonic disposition. For she has assumed the mantle forfeited by Dead Burt's death and resumed the bitter battle her father waged against the Wolf with a terrifying vengeance.

Her first order of business has been to halt any further action regarding the Lobo's desire to acquire electricity. In this endeavor she has shown remarkable tenacity. For in one fell swoop she has succeeded in striking a deep fear into the hearts of the contractors charged with completing the project.

Armed with only a camera she descended upon the worksite and threatened to take photographs of what she claimed was illegal construction. Fearing the implications of having their images set to film, the workmen fled. When the Lobo inquired about what had transpired he was told that the contractors sensed "aggression and anger," and that they were made to experience "feelings of intimidation." They have subsequently refused to proceed.

Shortly Before They Were Set Upon by a Camera Wielding Kraut

A Lone Man Quivers High Above the Jungle Floor

And thus the Wolf once again finds himself at an electrical impasse. Perhaps worse, his enemy is uncomfortably familiar. The effects of this latest setback have worn heavily on his psyche. He isn't sure that he still posses the fortitude to repeat the voodoo onslaught that defeated Albert, and yet he is absolutely certain that his life cannot continue without electricity. It is an existential crisis of staggering proportions.

For his part the Badger has remained on the periphery. He knows that fighting a two front war will likely overwhelm the Lobo. And thus he waits patiently for the moment when the Wolf is at his most vulnerable. Perhaps a moment in which his cranberry juice is too warm for the delicate nature of his palate, or maybe on an evening in which he is forced to forgo the History Channel. Rest assured that at that moment, the Badger will be there.

Jobo Battles God: The Television That Couldn't

To many readers the Wolf's battle with God's will is still fresh in the mind (If it is not click here). They might remember how the Almighty has taken a liking to reaching down and smiting the Lobo's household appliances. They probably also remember the derisive nickname (Jobo) bestowed upon the Wolf as a means of mocking the pathos oozing from his calls for pity. They will definitely not be surprised to hear that God has added Lobo's television to this long list of trials and tribulations.

That this would happen comes as no surprise to the Wolf. His television is as central to his lifestyle as cold lettuce or ice in his cranberry juice and thus would of course eventually become the target of divine retribution. Over the years the Lobo has learned that nothing hearkens God's wrath quicker than repeated satisfaction and enjoyment.

Yet surprised or not, these malfunctions still excite a deep ire. For it is understandable that God might decide to smite a single television set, or cause one satellite box to malfunction. But to destroy two brand new televisions, four satellite boxes, and a DVD player in the course of a few years is tantamount to a swarm of locusts or an infernal pestilence descending upon the Lobo's little corner of Mexico. What's next, he might ask in the direction of the heavens, hell fire and brimstone?

None of This Will Work Tomorrow

Not one to sit around and wait for the apocalypse, however, the Wolf has devised various ingenious methods for limiting God's unrestricted access to his primary form of nightly entertainment. Because as the Lobo sees it, while God may rule over heaven and earth from his lofty perch in the firmament, no man is more adept at the mortal arts of subterfuge and deception than he is.

His first line of defense is simply to drape a tea cozy over the television so that it matches the color of his walls. Though simple in nature, this tactic serves to camouflage what would otherwise be an obvious target. For the Lobo knows that God is infinitely busy and thus only really has time for the most cursory forms of surveillance.

Television? What Television?

A Trick Even God Could be Proud Of

And in the event that God comes searching during prime time, the Wolf has enacted a devious contingency plan. In a moment of profound inspiration, he struck upon the idea to place a decoy television in his manservant's quarters. That's right, he placed a television previously smote by God's own hands on the detached premises of Dario's residence.

Make no mistake, this was not an easy sell. Dario is a religious man and he didn't want any of God's anger towards the Lobo spilling over onto himself or his family. He also enjoyed watching television in the evenings and thus understandably wasn't interested in God mistakenly reaching down and causing the wrong appliance to malfunction. Once, however, the Wolf pointed out that he in fact owned the house and could do whatever he wanted, the two men reached an uneasy compromise. The cursed decoy set would sit on Dario's porch. Far away from the Lobo's living room and Dario's television alike.

As Good a Spot as Any

God Will Never Know the Difference

Through this tactic, the Lobo has achieved a modicum of success. He has been able to watch television uninterrupted for more than three months. He has even begun boasting to the Badger that he was able to pull the wool over the eyes of God himself. For his part the Badger simply smiles and nods. He also usually shuffles a few feet away so that there will be no mistake as to who the lightning bolt was sent for.

Birth of the Badger

Over one year ago a man arrived in the jungles of Mexico. The sun and the ocean and the bounty of the fertile land that comprised his surroundings fostered deep within him a sense of the vast potential of his existence. He stood at the gate of destiny and beamed at the future.

But there was someone beaming back. Rather, there was a bowlegged little man swaggering towards him with a rakish grin. This man explained to him the difficulties of living in Mexico. He complained about his solar system and his batteries and his television and his struggle to bring electricity to his home. He railed against his lawyer and the price of marble and the propensity of Mexicans to defecate in front of his gate. He called himself Lobo and insisted that others do as well.

Most importantly, however, he killed the man who had once been so naively hopeful about the carefree future awaiting him. Yes, that man is dead, but do not despair. For out of his ashes a new man has risen. A man equally optimistic yet armed with the faculties to battle Lobo's corrosive negativity. He is a badger and his name is Tejon.

Like the best battles, this one is being waged without Lobo's knowledge. But make no mistake, a battle it is and this forum will serve to document the intricacies of that struggle. For those prone to anxiety or high blood pressure be advised that much of what will appear will be salacious and shocking. For those of you willing to take a risk I promise exciting and gripping tales of intrigue and deception. Join me if you dare.